Summertime sadness

We have had a rough start to our summer. My beloved Grandma has left this life and has moved on to the next. I miss her, more than I could have even imagined. Every evening, about the time I would make my daily phone call, where we would inevitably talk for an hour, I have a mini-meltdown. I feel off-kilter; her leaving has created a hole in my universe and everything has changed.

Change is hard, yet I always anticipate the variation in my life and not happily. Whenever things seem content, I just wait for the ripple that will undoubtedly change something in our world. It can be something as simple as a child changing schools, which is also happening to us in the upcoming school year, moving, work hours changing, anything. This ripple, this hole created by the loss of one of my dearest loves is wrecking my mental state. No, I’m not going crazy – I promise! I just feel like my head is in a bubble and I can see, hear and do everything normally, but from a muffled distance.  It stinks to say the least.

I hope the saying “time heals everything” is true. I want to feel like myself again, but I don’t know that I will; now that the person who loved me most in the world is gone. My Grandma was in control until after she was gone, leaving my Aunt Ellen instructions (Aunt Ellen is a saint just so everyone knows), writing her own obituary, leaving letters to her four sons and to her three grandchildren. She had the last word, and that’s just how she liked it! Her funeral was exactly as she wanted it; a happy time. The Chapel by the Sea was packed to the gills and everyone who wanted to have a chance to speak about “Mrs. Audrey” (Grandma) did so. There was a lot of laughter as the people’s lives she touched, and there were so many, spoke about her; it was wonderful.

So, here I am, back at home after being gone for almost a month. The family and I went on our already planned beach vacation the week after our lives changed forever. It was fun, but I felt like my head was encased in the “bubble” the entire time. We were at the beach, so of course I thought of Grandma every day; every time my sweet girl and I jumped waves, every time the children drifted down the beach and I waved my arm for them to come back, every time I saw a pelican take flight.  My heart has a hole in it and I can only hope that over time it will heal.

We have big plans for fun this summer, and I’m sure that will keep me busy and my mind from drifting. We have already frequented story time at the library, and while my precious flower loves it, the boy thinks it’s “babyish” so he just sit’s with the grown-ups and reads National Geographic, then everyone is happy. I have found some good ideas on Pinterest – good as in super messy and I dread them but the kids will love it. We put up one of those pools that everyone has and I have to say, we love it! It’s just big enough for the kids to play and swim and Mommy and Daddy can float around and enjoy. It will be a wonderful summer, and if my Grandma were to be whispering in my ear, she would tell me to “Make memories with those precious babies and you will see me again in time.” She is always with me, in my heart, in my mind and yes, even whispering in my ear. Let us all make wonderful memories with our families this summer and always.


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