Reluctantly returning to work

I am writing this on my last night of maternity leave. Soon, I start fresh again at work, and I am dreading the thought of not seeing my little girl for 11 hours out of the day. It’s sad to say that I will get used to this; I’ve managed with Ben, and it’s our normal routine that has been put on the back burner for the last eight weeks. It will be traumatizing for me, no doubt, but after a week or so back to the grind it will feel like I never was gone.

I hate the way the working world works, I really do. It seems like it’s backwards; you retire in your early 60s and have free time to do as you please, but by then it’s your grandchildren that you will most likely be seeing more than your children. While that’s wonderful, I just feel like I’m missing out on something. I have always worked; from the time I was 15, I have enjoyed the independence that came with making my own money and having responsibilities. I always leaned toward jobs where I would have a lot of social contact, and that extended into what I do for a living as an adult. It’s nice to talk with different people daily and I just enjoy being social. However, once my little guy was born, I wondered what it would be like to stay at home with him.

I did not want to go back to work but, unfortunately, staying home was not an option at the time. I realized how much of the day I was not with him, all day. It was excruciating to leave him and, sadly, it just became part of the normal routine, as it is for so many others. Thankfully, we have our angel Meme that both children adore, so that makes it a little easier, but I still ache at times over the time I miss with them. This is what I mean about things being backwards; I would rather stay home now with a pension to help support us and then go to work once they started school and work until I’m in my 70s. I know the older I got the more I would want to retire and take a break from the day-to-day grind, but if I could switch it I would. I don’t want to miss their little years; I can’t believe the little guy is four and I know that by the time I blink Lily will be that age and it makes me terribly sad.

I think the perfect solution would be to work part time. We are getting to the point that I would be able to do that, but then you get stuck in the economy situation. If I left my job to work somewhere else part time, would I even find another job? Is my current job open to letting me only work part time? These are all things that I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks as this weekend loomed near. I don’t know the answer; I think that every family just has to do what’s best for it, but I do know that I love these children so much and that being a mother is one of the hardest jobs around, whether you get to stay home or have to go to the office everyday.


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